I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
