...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.