His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
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Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
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He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂