I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
