I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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