Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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