it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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