Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
