There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
