I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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