I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize