You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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