Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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