Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
