my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
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