I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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