The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
