look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
