i jhust puked up my retainher.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
