yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
