Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
