I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
