Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
