mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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