remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
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Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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