The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
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Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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