Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
