im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
