Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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