I didn't shave. On purpose
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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