I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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