I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
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it's not cheating when I paid for it
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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