I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
