I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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