we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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