i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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