I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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