If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
