I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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