This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
