girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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