Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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