The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
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He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
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I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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