so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
