i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
be right there i have to get my cape
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
