He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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