I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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