im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
