3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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