you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
