dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
