The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
