mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
