I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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