she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
