Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
